this song will change your life

the brown bunny

2006-01-03T00:35:00.000-08:00

cute as this title sounds the movie bearing the same name is anything but. i must hand it to vincent gallo, who 'wrote, directed and produced' this gem, he certainly knows how to alienate an audience. but i guess that is the price you pay for your art...and apparently he must have had a lot of money to burn cause i cant see anyone with half a gram of sense funding this movie. anywho all that said and done i must commend him on squeezing in a decent story into the hour and a half his handy cam battery was doing its job. so two friends of mine, well three watched it and pretty much said it was shit, they were partly right but at the time i questioned their judgement cuz two of them didnt like the lord of the rings series, so i thought id challenge them...i would watch the movie and come up with my own conclusions...male ego at its finest ppl! so an hour or so into the film, after suffering through endless driving the open road scenes fresh out of some home movie road trip, i am amazed to see the invigorating form of chloe sevigny (of boys dont cry fame), so i think finally some class...but lo and behold expectations shattered in a micro-second as she proceeds to give Gallo head...now a little subtle suggestion could have done the trick but gallo decides to show us all his penis and the lovely miss sevigny pleasuring it...oh yeah i knew that was going to happen but still needed to see it first hand just to satisfy my own curiosity...dont read too much into that. anyway movie ends and im sitting there thoroughly baffled by what ive just seen...and in spite of the inane nature of the film i realize just what the story is...but im not going to say just cuz everyone needs to see this movie...it should be like a class in film school...how not to make a meaningful movie 101...of course it would be tied in with...how to shorten your ridiculously long movie and get to the fucking point 103...anyway i took those classes, just now as it were and i shortened the movie...its 20 minutes long, only four scenes...yeah especially the one with the fellatio...and it makes perfect sense the first time you watch it! i guess the most annoying thing about this film is the name ' brown bunny' Gallo in his infinite wisdom decides to throw in 5 minutes of him looking at pets in a pet store, combined with another scene of him talking to someone about someone else's bunny...oh now i get it...the bunny was brown...do i hear oscar?

Dream Brother

2005-12-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

it pains me to see how the world that we live in has no insight to what truly good music is...some would have you believe that the billboard top 20 is the way to go, fair enough, but its full of stanking shitty music i wouldnt wipe my ass with...anyway image is everything in todays music world, which explains why the brittneys and x-tina's havent all been rounded up and shot! dont get me wrong its not like i hate them...well yes i do, them and the record companies who manufacture such putrid bile, wrap it in cling-film and market it to impressionable youths. what gets me the most is this whole infatuation with hip-hop, now i am black for lack of a more politically correct word, but i dont identify with the image portrayed by any of the current 'stars' of the genre 'bling-bling, bitches and bentleys' thats pretty much all theyre about, and oh, they throw a little drum roll in there, call it a beat and Mtv is getting off on playing the songs on 24hour rotation. ok, so ive said all that but to what purpose, well there is good music out there, great music and when i do rule the earth i will demand everyone listen to jeff buckley at least once a day...just to see how music can portray beauty...there is something so ethereal (?) about his voice, combined with the lyrics, i can only compare it to strawberry cheesecake (something i could never turn down), ok maybe that isnt such a good analogy but my point is that listening to his music puts a peace in your soul that is not of this earth...listen to dream brother and you will know what i mean...some of you will see this, ignore it and die horrible deaths...others will take heed and enjoy life...choose life.

happiness within reach

2005-12-16T23:33:00.000-08:00

this overly pretentious title has nothing to do with anything, but pretence is inherent in every aspect of human life, no one is really who they are, on some level we all act like who we arent to satisfy peoples expectations of who we should be. that said i am whoever you think i am, but i am also who i know i am and none of this makes sense. anyway vain attempts at philosophy aside, though they will resurface later in this piece, i was told that my last couple of blogs, being very much close to absolute truth on the subject matter, had a tendancy to be depressing...so i looked back on everything that i have ever written and realize that i havent written one piece that is neither sad nor angry...so it would seem that i have a lot of stuff bottled up that refuses to come out. but thanks to 6 weeks of psychiatry in college i realise that these things i write are a way of sublimating...that is taking deep seated desires and doing something constructive with them, or as close to being constructive as i could get them to be. so i write and people feel depressed, or wonder why i cant write about bunnies, rainbows and pink fluffy clouds...well bunnies die, rainbows fade and who wants a fucking pink cloud? its just the sad truth that if i did write something that was happy and cheerful, or at the most not about any emotion at all, then i wouldnt be happy. i mean i dont like writing about failed love and all that, but its just so easy, i tried writing something happy once, think it went something like 'the blue sky above and the majesty of its vastness is all i need to know that though this world is finite...' see? its already turning to hash and im only 2 sentences into it..in all fairness i just made that shit up, but i just couldnt keep that pleasant strain going. i thought hard about why i prefer to write stuff like i do, and i figured that on some level, i like to see just how miserable i think i am, though in actually one might say im happy go lucky...though not with those exact words. the problem might be that i over-analyze things. the problem is that i over-analyze things. ive listened to myself think, in theory, and all i hear is what seems to be white noise...because there is so much going on that i cant filter out the irrelevant stuff...'the blue sky above and the majesty of its vastness is all i need to know that though everything seems small on this earth, there is a greater power that is watching over us, and that is the most reassuring thought anyone could possibly wish for' so i've decided to write something that has nothing to do with anything...
islands off in the distance,
sun setting behind
towers made of clouds blanketing the sky,
the red glow that pours through, the burning red
of an ever glowing flame,
lit by the hand of God,
one can only watch as this parade of red, and white
slowly fades into night, and within the darkness that ensues
the warmth of that flame is reassuring.
though no longer visible,the ever burning red is there,
this much like faith is all that is needed.
so my eyes are closed now,
im looking into the distance,
spacing out, listeneing to my thoughts again,
but there is nothing this time, just a calm reassuring silence.
happiness within reach.

insects

2005-12-16T23:19:00.000-08:00

see through the eyes of the lowliest earthly being
moving so slowly, going backwards, never leaving
hovering about, the excrement is my home...lord of the flies
but still on the fumes i choke
pestilence is what defines this existence, breathe in plague
immune and resistant, to feed off your blood, feed on nutrition
my seeking vitamination results in your condition
i am the lord of the flies, as i crawl through your skin
you scream 'insects are killing me', i see where truth lies
determine who dies, still youre screaming '..these insects..'
in time you'll cocoon, evolve, become queen, mistress here i am use me
as i plant my seed, as you feed off my body,
know your children will kill, and these insects will live on.

untitled II

2005-11-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

if it is not worthless, the outcome not hopeless
the bleeding will stop.
and she will stand up, maybe she'll stand out,
the barrier broken, she is now a woman.
saying it feels so good, saying he understood more than i did,
taking her clothes off slowly
when she told me this, all i could think was
'why not me?'
for so long it consumed my thoughts
the first and the second one her body has loved
in return for soft spoken words,
if it was so amazing, why is it i feel like this?
so many love her so, she calls me to let me know
its like she feeds of the hurt, her iron lung life support
my listening validates who she is, but its draining me
how much more am i to take? she walks over me
i smile because i need it.
and if it were me she loved
dont think id mind so much, hearing her speak
i dont love her though, still it aches to know
she could be good without me
as if by my calling, her past comes haunting
but it saddens me,
she's to get married, but if she wont bleed
the honeymoon will be dead, i fear so will she.
i never wanted this, none of it pleases me
i am so sorry ,i had nothing to do with it
now i sleep easy, she didnt sleep with me
i am guilt free this is her problem, not taking it on me
i am so sorry.

untitled

2005-10-25T04:32:00.000-07:00

youre sad and lonely now,
so you were never really beautiful,
it doesnt make the world any worse,
you were never really wanted anyway,
i tried to make it known, but you were done with listening,
i could only smile cuz i knew the answers already.

so if you tell all your friends, will it make you happy?
and if they pretend to care will that make you happy?

youre lying in bed alone now,
cant fall asleep all the wounds are seeping,
pillows moist for all the tears you shed,
all the wounds and bruises weeping,
i laugh inside im sorry, but the sight of you is just so humorous,
i know the answers anyway.
red sky blue clouds and yellow trees,
a technicolor deathbed awaiting your head,
your mirror is broken in two,
but the images reflected still dont seem like you,
cradle your head in your arms,
your tears come pouring out,
is sadism out o the question? im taking pleasure in your suffering.

i watched you tell all your friends they laughed the same way i did,
that youre pretty when youre crying is something i'll never forget,
your story is ending oon, maybe then you'll be happy, till then i guess we can be together.

understanding...in a crash

2005-10-23T04:43:00.000-07:00

so i stole the song title from thursday, kick ass band, but it all makes sense to me now what they were singing about. 'splintered piece of glass...' and all that, so anyway i woke up today feeling mighty chipper, which should have set me onto the notion that something was seriously going to go wrong later on...anyway i strap on my hospital attire, douse myself in a little...a lot of kenzo, look in the mirror and think damn, you sexy mother******! i get in the car start playing a little lostprophets and am feeling pretty damn good..maybe too good. anyway im driving down an innocent enough road, coming up to this qiet inersection...and thats where my good feeling ended. i wish someone had recorded the sound of the impact so ican hear it cuz when that car hit mine, all my senses shut off for a split second. you know how in movies when you see a car crash and they slow everything down john woo style...well that doesnt happen in real life! this isnt my first accident, but its the first one i actually knew what was going on...i dont know how many of you have gotten the fuck smashed out of the side of you car but it must have felt something like what i experienced...anyway car hits me square on the side, my car spins once, i apply brake, release, turn the wheel till i stop. my first thought are to get out of the car cuz in my mind im thinking its going to blow up or something...i have to jump out the passenger side to get out of my fricking car..i walk a few stps and hear someone shouting are you alright...for some reason im too pissed to think about the answer so im saying yes having overlooked the possibility of some internal bleeding...anyway the guy runs over to the lady and he is holding her supporting her and shit...the child in me is saying dude grab a hold of me man, what the fuck? anyway twenty guys are crowding around her and im standing alone so im getting a little pissed, i sear i was thinking of shouting 'hey! the bitch hit me! she hit me!' luckily for them all a nigerian guy pulls up, so i go into saint mode, which means my otherise manly voice goes up two octaves...eventually there are four nigerians there including my dad and i now sound like im on helium...two cops show up...they are apparently just there for show, cuz nothing happened till some other one showed up like 10 minutes later, finally all that stuff is sorted and we head to the police station...about 2 hours later the lady shows up, and within 15 minutes theyve agreed to pay for the car...at least half of it. the thing that pisses me off the most is that ive had this problem with my left hand for ages...its not quite straight and i swear when i got out of the car i was looking at it and hoping by some miracle the crash had straightened it...but wouldnt you know it that shit is still crooked...they say good things come from bad but, i dont see the good in this at all...but i have to correct myself here, cuz im still very much alive, and i can only thank God for that, and i will definately be finding another route to the hospital next time i venture out into the mean streets of shuwaikh...'i'll never understand, understanding in a crash'

ps this thing is long enough, without the minute details...id apologise for the length but then this blog would never end!

the world according to me; exotic dancers are your friends

2005-10-15T11:42:00.000-07:00

before i go into this whole shabang, i should say that before you look down on strippers, think about the service theyre providing men world-wide...there is nothing more a man wants than to have a topless lady pretend to listen to what he is saying and then take his money, everybody wins...whats cool is when you and the stripper have so much in common...apart from the nudity, but shit like fear of flying, travel around the world, alcohol...but they always gotta ruin a good vibe by asking for their damned money...anyway...
this is basically an account of my first and hopefully last foray into the world of strippers...i say hopefully cuz when im 60 and the wife has started to sag a little bit then a bunch of hot young things might be all the 'pleasure' available. so anyway i go up to visit my friend in indy and he says we should go to a gentlemans club..or maybe i said we should either way, you only live once. so after a good couple of drinks and some lively blues music, we head over to the 'red garter' somehow i didnt expect to see any gentlemen inside. so we enter and after paying the 5 dollar cover charge im thinking there had better be some amazing shit going on inside...now past the velvet curtains and we are into the lions den...only these lions...lionesses to be exact were in no way hungry fo flesh..though they were offering that shit up without a second thought. my jaw falls as im witness to a bevy of nubile T and A, dancing to quite honestly the worst music you could imagine...i mean they played rammstein at some point, so anyway i walk up to the bar and sit...i have no intentions of buying drinks though. its at this point that i realize that my friend has disappeared, so i amble up to the first table i see...probably cuz the girl on it has been licking her lips at me for like ten minutes...my jaw is wide open and im sure she is thinking 'cha-ching!!!' to herself. so i sit down and look up...glorious as it was i couldnt keep my mouth closed, plus i think i had a worried look on my face, 'what if my folks walk in?' i was thinking, only realizing then that if they did, my being in the club would be the least of our families worries...so still in my daze i hear the girl say to me...'smile, youre meant to have fun' and she starts swinging the goods in my face (she certainly earned her money that night) im thinking i will as soon as i regain full functioning of my body...the shock of scattered ass has still got me weak. anyway i start dropping dollars in her g-string till im out of cash...fuck! i find my friend and ask for money, but he is almost broke too, so i go to the ATM machine swearing i wont take too much out...by the 2nd trip to the machine, im 100 dollars down and all i have to show for it is the smile on my face and the scent of naked women on me...time to leave i think...but wait i think she wants to give me a free lap dance...victory! soon followed by reality...thats another 20dollars gone...fuck! we leave and my friend says he has a date with one of the strippers the next day at three am...yeah three in the freaking morning...but hey she might put out...my testosterone kicks in and im wondering if she has a friend. so the next day we show up at three...and wouldnt you know it...she isnt there..so we wait for like 30minutes outside, obviously beyond human limits of desperation and hope she comes out...nothing...though i did meet the friendliest bum...gave him some smokes and sent him on his way. i guess what made the night worse was us sitting in whitecastle, eating the greasiest fucking burgers you can imagine..trying to figure out why we were stood up... for goodness sakes she was a stripper, you'd think that shit would be easy...i mean you practically know them after thrusting God knows how many dollars in their underwear...i guess all is not always as it seems...but at least i'll have the memories..."ass, titties, ass and titties..."

2005-10-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

day 2, october 3
singing songs of old
as we lie in the cold,
i dont understand
why she chooses to hold my hand,
as the rain falls on me
i just watch it cleansing me,
though the sky is grey again
i see children laugh and play

do i bear the mark of a slave?
bruises to prove i've misbehaved,
sat still and watched so quietly
as the one i love is leaving,
as the rain comes rushing down
i know its for her that i frown,
though she knew i had much to give
she couldnt make herself believe

now there's, lightning..thunder
it seems im going under,
so i hold my head up,
can i bear this any longer?
she said she couldnt be with me
something about some other priority,
its all i can do not to cry
watching the love ive sheltered die...

i guess now is as good a time as any to inform any one willing to read this stuffthat it will be rife with sentimental jargon so entirely unilateral in its contentbut i cant be held at fault for what seems to me, to be easier to write about. i have so many of these song/poem sort of things at some point you will realize they are all very much about the same thing and/or person.

2005-10-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

day 1, 1st october 2005so as i stare distant into the void i am thinking of a number between one and ten, but it isnt one or ten and its nothing in between so how does that work you ask me, well it doesnt which brings me to why im staring into a distant void thinking, of a number between one and ten...but its neither one nor ten. this is the tale of a sort of man who cant decide on why he has to feel the way he does daily, but he goes on, hoping that one day everything will be revealed, and his faith in god and love for man will be all that he has ever really needed. this is a tale of a sort, where the life and times of this man will be laid out in detail that one might read it and draw some conclusions...however inaccurate they may be, conclusions all the same.
so before i go on i must clarify that this man is i and i am this man, two of a kind yet very much the same...i am the thoughts that he thinks, he is the action you percieve...very much a single entity, much like the holy trinity, though in no way comparible in any respect. after all we are but a single man. so this man has loved this man has lost, though something must be said of what great skill it requires to lose something youve never really had. of what do i speak of? love, of course. it is said that there is no feeling quite like it...when your thoughts of, concerns for another are greater than for any other, when youre compelled to forget the self, thinking only of the object of that desire which has planted its seed in your core...this seed growing daily. this man, the action you percieve, is torn with questions. questions that i, the thoughts he thinks, cannot rightly recall, but questions all the same.
so this man, i, has loved...but what matter is it of others whether these things have truly happened? none at all. but the sad curiosity that is mans weakness makes him want more of a knowledge of what goes on, the voyeuristic delight, that is mans weakness, gives him a semblance of power that he can observe, but not be observed...but who isnt being watched? everyone else but yourself? ignorance, that is mans weakness, is in fact bliss. so keep on assuming that you are indeed that much higher than your fellow man. thus i have digressed from the former intent, relaying to you the accounts of this mans love, which i fear is mans greatest weakness. so many weaknesses. it is a wonder so frail a being has dominion over this earth...that animals be labelled inferior since they do not speak...maybe we do not listen. love...this mans love is labelled inferior because it will not speak, though it has, and it does, but no one is listening.
so this man, i, has loved...though it has been but a single event out of the many that make up this man, he has loved. it is not important that you should know her name, titles to impose on us that we are not the same, two eyes a nose a mouth...tell me how much different we are, man is man, anything else is just a means of asserting superiority over another, light skinned, darked skinned, man is man...you need not know her name. but know this, she is more than this man could hope for, dream of...i in thought and he in action together have love for her that cannot me fathomed. perhaps that is where it all came apart. since he first layed eyes upon her, this man has nursed a desire within himself, queitly loving, never able to make his feelings known. always there in the background, timidly catching glimpses as she would smile as if she knew he was watching her waiting for those moments to occur. what pain it is to know how to love, but not how to express it.